Menschlekheit is like chicken soup for those raising and educating Jewish children. If one's children and students possess this attribute, then one can be as assured as reasonably possible that they will avoid become headlines in the local and national news for committing acts of violence and other shameful behaviors to others, or to themselves.

Indeed, more than any one single thing, educators and parents want each child of theirs to grow up to be a "mensch." I have asked parents and educators across the spectrum of Jewish observance and belief what they want most for their children, and this is the answer that comes up more often than any other. Interestingly, when I ask the same question to non-Jewish parents and teachers, I get the same answer, though they don't use the same word. They want children to grow up to be knowledgeable, responsible, nonviolent, drug-free, and caring. They want their kids to be concerned for others; concerned about their families and communities; good team players who also possess good leadership skills; decent and ethical; lovers of justice; and compassionate for others and willing to act on those feelings. Parents and teachers want children to be the kind of person one can count on, an all-around complete human being. In other words, a mensch.

For Jews, there is the additional challenge of raising a mensch with Jewish sensitivity and Jewish identity-- no small feat. Child Psychiatrist James Comer points out that this is the first time in human history when children receive the majority of information unfiltered by adult caretakers. This deserves re-reading and contemplation. In essence, it means that now, more than ever, parental and teacher influence is in competition with the forces of popular culture, the ideas of peers, and the mass media. Combine this with what Cornell Child Development specialist Uri Bronfenbrenner calls the "hecticness" of our lives now, and the seemingly increasing time demands made by many workplaces, and it is clear that caregivers can be overmatched. Parents do not have undiluted influence by virtue of being parents. Teachers are no automatically given the respect that once was extended to them. Despite what the Torah teaches about how parents and teachers are to be treated, we now find ourselves part of the great marketplace of ideas and values. Parents and teachers must think quite consciously and carefully about how they conduct themselves if they want to be primary, positive sources of influence on their children.

"In a place where there are no good people, strive to be a good person" Pirke Avot 2:6

Our traditions give us much guidance about how to proceed. It is the parents' job and to a significant degree a teacher's job, despite the odds, to be a model of menschlekheit. Not a model of perfection, but of human decency. And there is now recognition in the popular culture that this is necessary, that we have moved too far with regard to individualism, consumerism, and elitism. We have been endowed as human beings with what Dr. Josef Levi, former Superintendent of Schools for the Tel Aviv Metropolitan School District, calls the "wisdom of the heart." It is what Dan Goleman would refer to as Emotional Intelligence. Goleman's world-wide best seller by that name-- including a Hebrew edition spending many, many weeks on the best seller list in Israel—has pointed the way to how caregivers can strengthen positive influences on our children. It comes from continuing to follow advances in our understanding of brain research, the nature of human emotion, and how effective school-based programs to build children's social skills operate. More to the point, the way in which people have grasped the idea of Emotional Intelligence and its application to everyday life-- especially teaching and parenting-- is a signal that positive change is on the horizon.

Yakov R. Hilsenrath, Rabbi Emeritus of the Highland Park (NJ) Conservative Temple and a long-time innovator in Jewish education and parenting, provides an apt summary of what Emotionally Intelligent Jewish Parenting is all about:

"There needs to be a gyroscope in the mind of the Jewish parent to keep him or her focused in the tumult of everyday life. What is needed is a conscious return to Jewish values, steering a careful course between the extremes of denial on the one hand and pleasure-seeking and self-indulgence on the other. In so doing, we should understand that our children, as creatures of the Almighty, must be treated no differently from the way we are expected to treat ourselves. "

But the tumult of these times is so great, and the currents so strong, that parents need an even stronger gyroscope. Hence, my co-authors Steven Tobias and Brian Friedlander and I¹ have coined a new version of Rabbi Akiva's summary of the Torah for the 21st century, the 24 Karat Golden Rule of Emotionally Intelligent Parenting and Teaching:

Do unto your children as you would have others do unto your children.

Nowhere is this more applicable than the way in which we talk to children (and I would hasten that this advice, though focused on parents, is no less applicable to teachers). If we think very carefully and honestly about what we say to our children and how we say it, we might find ourselves wondering how we would react if a neighbor or a lunchroom aide or someone working in a store spoke to our child in the same way, using the same words and same tone of voice. The kinds of things to which both parents and teachers of young children need to attend, all of which I have observed far too often, can be found in below in the section headed “Avoiding the Plague of Put-Downs.”

Why is this a big deal? Recent research on the operation of the brain and the creation of human memory makes it clear that children remember not only information, but also the context in which something was said and the emotional tone present at the time. We can deny that this is so or wish it were not so, but it doesn't change the reality. How, when, and where we say what we say is as important as what we say. Young children are sensitive to both the words and nuances of our communication with them and about them.

If we want to raise children to be menschen, there is no more important place to start than with how we treat them. If we treat them with respect, then they are likely to treat others that same way. If we are sensitive to them, they will exhibit that toward others. If we are fair, honest, not afraid of correcting them, even punishing them, but doing so constructively, we will find that they are more likely to be that way when dealing with others... and with us, when we are older and in a position to need their care. There is no doubt that parenting and educating for menschlekheit-- what my colleagues and I refer to more generally as Emotionally Intelligent Parenting and Teaching-- involves courageous action, acting with the heart in mind and in a Jewish context, out of a commitment to Jewish values. "These decisions made by parents clarify for children their parents' level of human sensitivity and moral choice," says Rabbi Hilsenrath. The same is true for teachers. From such choices, a mensch can emerge.

Yet, as Pirke Avot also informs us, "You are not expected to finish the job, but you are not free to abandon the task." (2:21). Ultimately, it takes a Kehilla, a community, to raise a mensch. Of particular importance are early childhood programs that allow for and encourage children to think for themselves, to be creative, and to co-construct their curriculum through active engagement and participation. And then parents can be brought along as partners and shown how to complement these techniques in the home and in their informal interactions with children.

Why is this important? Life is not scripted. Living Jewishly does not correlate with multiple-choice test knowledge. Being a mensch involves knowing how to deal with people and situations, developing strong values, grounded in tradition and history, and valuing other people and their emotions, ideas, and concerns. Educating and parenting young children involves creativity, insight, enthusiasm, caring, and an understanding of how young children learn and grow. They need developmentally appropriate opportunities and guidance more than direct instruction and testing.

There is a Jewish communal responsibility to support teachers and parents in this increasingly challenging task. But it is the parents who must set the tone in their everyday lives, in the way we interact with children in the car, at meals, when we are under pressure, and when they are. We need not be perfect, only human. We know that when it came time to build the Mishkan, the Ark of the Covenant, only those who had "Wisdom of the Heart" were allowed to be involved. These were not necessarily the most talented individuals; rather, they combined talent and personal integrity to an optimal degree. Those were the qualities desired. For our era, the concept is that of Emotional Intelligence, both in education and in parenting, and it is an important, contemporary, yet traditional and enduring way of working toward the goal of raising a child who is a mensch.

1. NAME CALLING
   Oops: ”Don’t be such a kvetch!”
   Analysis: Kids often don’t know what we mean when we refer to them by a name, even such familiar ones as kvetch, nudnik, or worse… Better to comment on what they are doing that is inappropriate and explain to them a better way.
   Better: “I find it annoying when you ask me the same question so many times even though I have answered you. Please find something to do to help you wait for the time to pass. Do you need me to help you think of some ideas?”
2. HOW MANY TIMES...
   Oops: "You forgot to put the toys away again? How many times do I have to remind you to do that?”
   Analysis: If young children were honest, they would reply, “Probably between 3-7, depending on my level of maturation, my distractibility, how carefully I was even attending to what you were saying, rather than what I was doing, and other non-specific, perhaps genetic factors.” But they can’t say that, so it’s better to work with kids to establish a prompt that will help them to remember what you would like them to do.
   Better: “I notice that you did not put the toys away even though we talked about this twice earlier, once when you were with Billy and once just after story time. We need a signal to help you remember when to put away your toys. Do you have any ideas? One idea I have is that I will hit this drum once, and when I do, it will be a signal to you and the class that you will have to put toys away and clean up in two minutes. And when I hit it twice, you and the other children will have to clean up. Let’s try this and see how it goes.”
3. THE CRYSTAL BALL
   Oops: "If you carry your sister like that, you’ll drop her." ; "The way you share, no one will ever want to play with you.”; “You are going to spill the juice.”
   Analysis: Perhaps all of these will come true. Usually, though, they don’t. Yet, by making these predictions, we actually set up a “self-fulfilling prophecy” that makes it MORE likely that what we dread will take place! Young children benefit from anticipatory guidance and specific pointers that can prevent difficulties.
   Better: “If you hold your sister under her back, like this, and put your other arm behind her head, like this, it’s harder for her to squirm or move quickly and fall down.” ; “People really like to play with children who share with them. When you share with them, they also will share with you. How can everyone get to have some time with these big blocks?”; “I see that juice holder is very heavy. We can either pour some off into something else so it won’t be so heavy, or you can hold it with two hands, one right under the spout like this, so it will be less likely to spill.”
4. RIGHT NOW!!
   Oops: "Put everything away that you and your friends took out. Not later, not in a minute, right now!!"
   Analysis: Although we are often pressed for time, young children have their own time frame and agenda. Things work better when we give them a warning, to help them organize themselves and build their internal clocks.
   Better: “We are going to be leaving in 5 minutes. In two minutes, I will come over to you and ask you to start cleaning up so we will be ready to leave on time. OK?”
5. INVISIBLE CHILDREN
   Analysis: This refers to talking about young children, especially about their shortcomings, while you are on the phone or near them, within their ear-shot. Children who don’t seem to listen when you raise your voice can hear everything you say about them when you don’t think they are listening. Better to speak constructively and positively about children, or at least to save any criticism for when they are not around at all.
6. SILENT OR VAGUE PRAISE
   Analysis: When children cooperate or in other ways do what you would like, they may be mystified if your praise for them is silent or vague. Young children in particular are likely to repeat actions that adults clearly recognize as valuable. It is natural for teachers and parents to want to praise children and say such things as, “Good job.” ; “Well done”; “Excellent.” But it’s better to be more descriptive when you are able to. "You both did a nice job on that" can be replaced with "You both worked together cooperatively and you both saved me a lot of time."

1. Elias, Maurice J., Steven Tobias and Brian Friedlander. Emotionally Intelligent Parenting. New York: Random House/Three Rivers Press, 2000.

Dr. Maurice Elias is a professor at Rutgers University and Chair of the Collaborative for Academic, Social & Emotional Learning.